Pizza Hut

When I was a kid, eating at Pizza Hut was a super treat. I would get all excited to hop in the car when my parents said we were going to Pizza Hut. It was the total dining experience. First off, you get to sit in a comfy booth. Then music plays in the background while you eat! And they have placemats that you can color on, with mazes and word finds on them. All the words in the word find are pizza words like cheese, crust, and sauce.

But as much fun as Pizza Hut is, it was an intense competition between my family. There are six of us in my family: Mom, Dad, me, Chad, Leah and Jared. There are eight slices in a pizza, so my dad orders two pizzas (that equals sixteen slices). Now, sixteen slices divided by six people equals two with a remainder of 4 slices. Everyone gets two slices, but only four of us get a third slice. Who's it gonna be?

Now, EVERYONE in my family loves Pizza Hut pizza, and we only went a couple times a year back then. You might not get another chance to eat three slices of delicious pizza until next year. Time is short, here comes the pizza. Let's lay out everyone's strategies.

I want to eat my first slice as quick as possible. If I jump out to an early lead, I can eat my second slice while everyone else is still on their first, and then I can easily get a third slice. However, I also know that if I eat too quickly, I'll look like a pig and get scolded by my Mom. Hmmm...I need someone else to eat faster than me and get in trouble. Who's it gonna be?

Now, my Dad wants that third slice just as much as me. He's worked hard all week, just got paid, and is looking to spend some of that hard-earned money on a little pizza and family time. However, he can't use my strategy, because that would be stooping to my level. He can't be a bad role model to us kids. And he knows my mom will call him on it too. He needs to make an example of someone else, thereby masking his own intentions at that third slice.

My Mom will never admit that she wants a third slice, but she does. She wants it BAD. But she will take a subtler route than me. Instead of eating fast, she reverses her strategy and eats slow. This way she looks innocent, and then can scold others for eating too fast. In fact, if she catches someone else eating "like a pig", she'll punish that family member by forbidding them to eat a third slice. She wants us to think she's teaching us a lesson, but what that really does is eliminate one of the competition, and gives her a better chance at getting a third slice.

My brother Chad is a quick learner. He's studied my moves, and knows about my trick of eating the first slice really quick. He figures if it works for me, it'll work for him. Plus, he's older than Leah or Jared, so he can probably eat quicker.
But Chad isn't thinking about the big picture. It's not just about getting that third slice. It's about preventing other family members from getting it. This could cost him later on in the night.

When she was a kid, my sister Leah didn't think when there was food on the table (sorry Leah). She has no strategy. Yeah, she wants that third slice too, but when the pizza comes all she sees is a lot of food. She's not counting the slices. Fifteen minutes later, she will be totally surprised when there are only a couple slices left, and none on her plate. She is a pawn in this tasty chess game. I may be able to use this to my advantage.

That leaves Jared, the youngest brother of the family. But don't let his junior status fool you. He's a gamer. Being the youngest means always having to scrap for what you want, or else the bigger kids will take everything. Jared's ready to play. His only weakness? A short temper. If I think he's going to beat me, I will mess with him to throw him off.

Okay, the following event took place in a Pizza Hut in New York, back in 1992. Before you read any more, try and guess which of my family members will get the coveted third slices, and who goes home hungry. Here goes...


After a pleasant fifteen minutes of coloring on our placemats and talking about our day at school, the pizza arrives at our table. My dad starts cutting slices for everyone, and here is where Chad makes a surprising move.

Chad volunteers to cut slices for us. Now, all slices are never the exact same size. Some are bigger than others. Chad gives himself a slightly smaller slice. That way, he can eat the first slice quicker than anyone else and cruise to victory. This impresses me. The game is already getting interesting.

Everyone has a slice on their plate. But it's really hot, so we all just stare at each other, waiting for that perfect moment to dig in. My mom starts cutting her slice into small pieces.

Chad makes his play a little early and starts eating. Big mistake. The pizza is still too hot. Chad burns his tongue and starts drinking water as quick as he can. My mom scolds him for not waiting and tells him he must now wait five minutes before eating. Chad groans in despair as he realizes the rest of us will now have a head start on him.

Two minutes later we start eating. I'm taking big bites. So is Jared. In fact, he's just looking at me as he eats his pizza. He knows what's at stake. My dad tries to keep up with us, but my Mom asks him a question about his job. Very sneaky. This forces my dad to talk while my mom can keep eating.

My Mom now allows Chad to begin eating. Chad starts wolfing down his slice, trying to make up for lost time.

Jared has already finished his first slice, and is very happy with himself. But it's gonna cost him. My mom looks at Jared's plate and scolds him for eating like a pig. As punishment, he is only allowed to have two slices. Jared appeals to my dad, but my dad agrees with my mom. Dad knows that this takes Jared out of the race, and now there are only five people in this competition.

Uh-oh. We have a problem. Leah accidentally drops her entire slice on the floor. And it lands on the cheese side. My parents cut her another slice to replace the one she wasted. This loss of pizza means that instead of four of us getting a third slice, there will only be three pieces remaining in the end.

My Dad and I finish our first slice, with Chad catching up to us. My Mom is going slowly, and Leah had to start over with her new slice. Jared looks very grumpy as he eats his second slice, knowing it will be his last.

My Mom turns her attention to me, and starts asking me questions about school. I just shrug my shoulders like I can't remember anything about school and keep eating. Her delaying tactic won't work on me!

Or will it? My Mom looks at my Dad, who tells me to be polite and answer her. As I'm forced to talk about homework and spelling tests, I watch helplessly as Dad, Chad and even Leah pass me by, all of them farther along on their second slice. I had to act fast!

This is where Jared's temper comes into play. He's already mad about losing out on a third slice. Very discreetly, I kick him underneath the table. Jared lets out a yell. Both my parents stop eating and ask him to quiet down. They don't want to be embarrassed in front of everyone else in the restaurant. While they are distracted, I quickly resume eating, making up for lost time. Chad sees me and also starts taking bigger bites. I needed to stop him! So...I suggested to my parents that maybe Chad kicked Jared. Chad is forced to stop eating and defend himself to my parents as I shove more pizza in my face.

My mom realizes my tactic, and tries to also capitalize on it. She pretends to be frustrated with Jared, and looks at my Dad and says "Can you PLEASE talk to your son about being quiet"? This puts the emphasis on my Dad to control the situation. As he tries to calm Jared down, my Mom starts eating her second slice.

What's this? In all the confusion, Leah has pulled into the lead! She's only two bites away from finishing her second slice. This is not good. That would leave only two slices up for grabs. I had to do something to better my chances. It was time for desperate measures.

I "accidentally” knocked over my cup of soda. It "accidentally" fell right onto Leah's lap. Now, I had pretty much drank all the soda, but there was still some left in the cup, and plenty of ice. My sister's lap was a mess. And I was brilliant! Leah needed to clean up, but she was still young enough that my Mom had to go with her into the restroom to help her wash up. Both of them got up and left the table. That left only Dad, Chad, and me! Three people competing for three slices. We looked at each other, silently acknowledging our victory. But we finished off our second slices as quick as possible, just in case Leah and Mom came back too soon. Jared had to just sit and watch as we took the precious third slices. Now that we had them, it was time to sit back, relax, and actually enjoy our food. Pizza always tastes better when you have to outwit your family for it.